Grief: Sharing a Personal Experience

John Ploetz

5 Nov, 2015

As human beings, we are all interconnected to some extent. Yet, many times we’re not sure how strong the connections are that we have with other people. Those connections are tested when someone we know experiences a loss. We feel fragile and uncertain when that loss happens. We don’t know how to express ourselves, how to provide comfort, or how to even break the ice to talk to our friend our family member that is grieving. So, sometimes we decide to say or do nothing because we don’t know where to begin. Yes grief is a close personal emotion, but we should take the opportunity to reach out to a grief stricken friend or family member and allow that person to share his or her grief with us. Some thoughts I’ve noticed on sharing grief.

1. Don’t be afraid to say something. Offer your sincere condolences; written notes work just as well as a phone call. How you contact the other person depends on how well you know the person. Think twice about unannounced visits though.

2. Give them space to grieve. Respect the grieving person’s comfort zone and grieving process. After initially reaching out, let them take the next step. Don’t try to alter their grieving process by pushing your own ideas and plans about how to grieve, on them.

3. Let them know you care. Offer to help. Let them know you are there for them. Simply offering to talk or meet for lunch is more than enough. However, the offer to help must be something that you are willing to follow up on and follow through with. Don’t commit to something you can’t complete.

4. Follow up after the loss has aged. People need support even more so after the initial grieving period is over. As time passes, it doesn’t mean that the grieving process is over. It’s important to follow up by letting someone know you are still thinking of them.

5. Let them discuss or talk. If you’re given the opportunity to discuss their loss with them, be a supportive listener. It isn’t about solving their immediate grief or making it go away. By listening, you allow the person to work through their grief. Don’t compare your situation to their situation or give examples of what you’ve gone through recently. For the moment the focus should be on them. Listening is the best therapy for the moment.

6. Let them grieve on their own terms. Don’t judge them and the process they are taking to grieve. Don’t force them to handle the grief how you would handle the same situation. In this instance it is all about them and working through their grief. Don’t make them change their grief process to meet your needs.

7. Grief changes over time but it doesn’t go away. Even if you haven’t taken the opportunity to connect with someone who’s grieving it is never too late. It is always better to reach out to someone later on, than to ignore the situation altogether.

Through our lives we all go through a grief cycle, loss of a loved one, job, or a dream in life. Don’t let uncertainty stop you from taking steps to share grief with someone. It may make you uncomfortable to take that first step and reach out to someone. But in the end, you’ll be glad you did.

What Me Worry About Fear?

John Ploetz

22 Oct, 2015

A great statesman, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, once said, “All we have to fear is fear itself”. When we first hear this statement, we think how simple yet powerful those words are. At second blush, after we read it over a few more times, we begin to wonder what he was really talking about. Was he talking about the average person’s fears; those daily fears like whether monthly bills would be paid, whether the kids would do well in school that week, or about whether a work presentation to be given at the end of the week would be presented perfectly? No I think he was talking about something bigger and at the same time something more basic. I think he was trying to get the average person to understand what it means to face real fear not perceived fear; and secondly I think he wanted to get people to think about how to develop a healthy way to cope with fear. There are a number of ways fear impacts our lives. Ultimately we live healthier lives if we work to understand our fears. I’ve come up with a few thoughts about fear over the years.

1. Understand that a certain amount of fear is normal. A certain amount of fear is basic to our survival. Fear keeps us aware and alert. Fear helps us stay focused.

2. Put fear in perspective. Fear of anything can become as large or as small a part of our lives as we choose. It is important to keep the fear of something at a level where you can control the fear, rather than allowing it to control you. Designate a limited amount of thought time to a fear. Allot only a certain amount of personal energy to something you fear.

3. Keep the fear “state of mind” manageable. We can spend our time how we choose, thinking about what we choose. Punctuate each thought of fear with a proactive thought process. Think through what results could happen if a specific fear were to become realized; then think how you might prepare for or change that outcome. Look at what steps can be taken to reduce the likelihood that what you fear will occur.

4. Some time losing oneself in fear is necessary. If we say we are not afraid maybe we are actually being foolish. We can’t stick our head in the sand and ignore things that we should fear. Some fear is healthy it protects us from unsafe situations and forces us to face negative yet realistic outcomes.

5. Decide what is important enough to fear. This is what Mr. Roosevelt was really talking about. We need to let go of those false fears and focus on those fears important enough to truly fear. We must be strong enough to limit what we fear. We never want to let fear limit our ability to try new things or attempt to overcome obstacles in our life.

6. Fear is best served up in moderation. We need to decide if we want to live in a world where fear rules us or where we rule fear. Fear should simply be one process in our thought patterns not “the” thought process in our daily thought patterns.

7. Chronic fear leads to worry. Ninety-nine percent of what we fear never happens. When fear settle in and takes over our lives, then we tend to live in a state of worry. Worry is a negative force within our lives. Worry in general drains us of our precious energy levels and limits our ability to make decisions clearly.

8. The one percent that we didn’t plan on happening we’d never see coming. This isn’t about being fatalistic. It’s about being realistic. Unforeseen events occur in everyone’s life. Still we should spend our time positively focusing on what is most likely to happen not fearing the multiple layers of future uncertainty. Focus on what is most likely to happen not the one percent that is most unlikely to happen.

9. We should fear worry. This is what President Roosevelt was getting at in his statement. We should fear our own shortcomings when they allow us to become lost in an unhealthy focus on fear. It isn’t healthy if we fixate on our fear of things. We have more constructive ways to spend our time. We aren’t avoiding fear, we just aren’t letting it define our lives.

Letting fear linger on and morph into worry, over time, reduces our daily energy and focus levels. This in turn allows fear to more greatly impact our day to day lives. Fear loses its power when we turn and face it head on. It is up to us to choose whether we allow fear to play a healthy or unhealthy role in our lives. Maybe in the end it’s all about focusing on what we aren’t afraid of as much as what we fear.

What My Daughter Taught Me

John Ploetz

11 Oct, 2015

There are many people in our lives that teach us a thing or two about living. Sometimes it isn’t until after they’re gone that we realize the impact they have on our lives and how we carry their spirit with us in our day to day living. My daughter Michelle was one of these special people that taught me. Not only did she have a profound impact on my life, I would like to believe that she had a positive impact on the many other lives she touched. There are many things I am left to ponder about her. Like all of us she was far from perfect. But there were many characteristics woven within those imperfections that impacted how I now live my life. She made me rethink what is important in living life and awakened me to cherish many things I took for granted or chose to ignore; she helped me to embrace new ideas at a time when I thought maybe I was old enough to know everything worth knowing. She helped me understand how wrong I was and how much more there was to living and understanding life. Specifically, she left me with these thoughts to ponder:

1. Take time to make time. She always used this phrase to counter my statement that “I didn’t have time to do something”. She would say, “you have to find time to do it”. If something is important enough to you or someone close to you, then you should be able to find time to do it. Just find the time.

2. Slow down and enjoy the little things. Life isn’t always about planning for the big events, it’s about enjoying the little things. Everyday there’s something to enjoy, you just have to notice it. A walk in the park, carving pumpkins, playing in the yard, or watching a movie together are all simple events, events to enjoy.

3. There are many ways to look at something. There isn’t just one way to approach something or to accomplish a specific task. Each person has a unique perspective. It’s from that perspective that we all approach life. Be tolerant and let others work through their own process. Don’t cut them short and force them to do it your way.

4. Learning isn’t always about striving for perfection. Sometimes the goal of learning isn’t about striving for perfection in completing a task, it’s about enjoying the process of learning. The fun of learning is all about delving into areas you enjoy. You don’t need to delve into those areas that aren’t of interest to you as deeply as those that are of interest to you. You don’t need to learn perfectly, you just need to learn.

5. Never be afraid to travel your own path. You are unique. You are wonderful. Don’t feel forced to travel along everyone else’s path. Make your own path when and if you want to. Never feel pressured to conform.

6. Never be afraid to show your emotions. A hug you give to someone may light up their day. Telling someone they are special shows how you care about them. Showing others your emotional side lets others know there is a connection between us all as members of the human race. Showing your emotions to others isn’t a sign of weakness it’s a sign of power, the power that shows you care about others.

7. Doing the right thing is always the right thing. Yes it’s difficult to always do the right thing. Sometimes it’s not the easiest thing to do, but over time doing the right thing proves to be the best option.

Our daughter Michelle would have been 22 years old today, but passed away way to soon on April 16, 2014. Michelle, thank you for helping me embrace life and helping me to always look for the special gifts everyone has to offer.